The Well of Miscalculation

Thoughts on failure, taking risks, and Ed Sheeran for some reason

I’m typing this on Friday, October 11th in the year 2024, at almost 2:30 in the afternoon. Earlier this morning, I wrote 3 songs in about 2 hours. I’m assuming everyone reading this already knows but just in case you don’t, predominantly I would label myself as a songwriter. I am many other things of course but songwriting is currently the primary endeavor of my life and by far the task I not only get the most joy from, but it's also a profound conduit for self-awareness and learning more about myself, as well as processing an endless amount of thoughts and emotions. These articles, while I very much hope for them to grow in both reach and the amount of purpose they hold for me, are really just a supplement to my songwriting. I turn to this when I feel like I don’t have either the capacity to write anymore songs, or if I just can’t acquire the privacy I desire to sit down and work through a new song idea. And inevitably, these articles are just another way for me to process through some ideas, and get more words out of my brain which I hope ends up leading to the next great combination of verbiage that can be included in my next song. Which in short, is actually the entire message of this particular article, but I am getting extremely far ahead of myself. So let's dial it back…

This morning I wrote three songs. I wish I had my songbook with me at the moment so I could rattle off the names and themes of each of these works but alas I do not, and just in case I never come back to this article after I officially put a bow on the end of it, I can tell you that they all had slightly different themes except I think they all fell under the wide umbrella of self-reflection and self-analyzation without the incorporation of another person or party and their effect on me. Very much, selfishly, just about me. But the point of me bringing any of this up isn’t to talk about the themes of the songs or how the themes of these musings are a current heavy weight in my mind or heart. It’s to tell you that each one of these three songs were all equal parts shit. Just god awful. Would never in a million years share them with anyone or anything. Any sentient being that we are currently aware of in this universe or the next, I would not utter a single note of any of these songs in the presence of out of their own safety and my own ego’s infrastructure.

There is no bigger deterrent for me to create than the certainty that there is a far greater percentage of a chance that I will create something terrible than create something meaningful that I’d feel good about keeping and sharing. It’s been that way for pretty much forever and I doubt it’s going to change, and that’s fine…I’ve just accepted it as part of the process and an integral part of the journey…that I just have to come to terms with the idea that it’s going to take me 100 tries before I’m able to find 3 or 4 things that I’m proud about.

I used to only think about this idea as it relates to creating things, creating songs in particular. But it’s an idea I’ve been coming back to more and more as I’ve thought about my decision making and any moment in time where I feel less likely to move forward down a particular path. The idea of the fear of mistakes, or the fear of bad work.

Dirty Water

There is a quote (or more like a brief synopsis or a short story) from Ed Sheeran in a documentary of his called Songwriter where he talks about his ideology when it comes to songwriting. (or at least what his ideology was at the time) He talks about songwriting and the process of creating as being similar to a dirty water spigot that’s full of mud, and dirt, and grit, and a whole bunch of nastiness that isn’t good for you. But sometimes the only way to really clean a lot of that dirtiness out, is to just turn on the faucet and let the water run through the pipes. And at first what comes out is all shit water, filthy and brown and very unclean. But if you let it run for long enough, soon all of the water will clean out the dirt and mud from the pipes and cleaner water will start to run through. And then every once in a while a bold and defiant chunk of mud will pop out of the faucet that was holding on for dear like since the start of this process, but inevitably you’ll slowly start to get a little bit of clean water, followed by a fair amount of clean water, followed by mostly a constant stream of deliciously pure water from the faucet.

The idea of creating is the same. It’s that you can’t be afraid to make terrible stuff…and the longer you are afraid, the more stuck you are going to be down the road. The bad creations are in you no matter what. The dirt is in the faucet whether you want it to be or not, and the only way to clean it out is to let the water run. You just have to create. And when you start, you’re going to make some terrible things that you won’t want anybody to hear and you’d never dream of sharing them in the form of an accurate representation of your ability…especially if it's actually a true representation. You just have to put in the hours creating, let the bad stuff come out, knowing that the more bad stuff you get out, the more room you’re making for the good stuff to shine through, and come to fruition.

I whole-heartedly believe this to be true…but it doesn’t stop the fear from creeping in. There is no worse feeling than just sitting there feeling like you’re wasting your time making something terrible that will never be shared anyway. And on top of that, not only does it suck swinging and missing, but it also makes it easy to feel less confident in yourself when you feel like over and over again you’re making something bad. And it feels great to finally get that one great idea that you feel amazing about…but it doesn’t change the fact that you had to go through enough bad ideas to start to genuinely make yourself feel like you really don’t know what you’re doing.

Again…I’ve always only attributed this concept of these ideas, and this fear, to creating and to songwriting. But only recently have I been realizing its truth in my everyday life as well.