Me vs. Me

We're all an accumulation of contradictions...here are some of mine

The Introvert vs. The Performer

My first memory of being a performer was in kindergarten. I can’t even remember exactly what it was, but I remember being on stage and singing with my classmates and being all dressed up and all of the parents coming to support their precious children. I played instruments all throughout my childhood and had regular recitals and other performance opportunities. I played various sports which is sort of a performance in a way I suppose…though eventually quit all of my sports endeavors for theater programs, and other music passions that led to various performances on both small and large stages. Now, performing is a regular part of my life and profession. Whether it’s music, performing in front of as many as a thousand attendees, all the way down to as little as just a few people...or more theatrical performance art pieces such as wearing a mask during the halftime show of a Memphis Grizzlies game in front of several thousand ticket-buyers.

And it’s important to state, I love performing. I always get a few light nerves before going onto a stage which is normal I believe…but shortly after starting every time, those feelings clear up, and I feel elevated from where I was before stepping on. Very infrequently do I go out to perform with any sort of script. Maybe a few small things planned but for the most part, the banter and conversation with the audience is unrehearsed. It’s natural. It’s organic. It’s freely flowing and an inherent part of whatever portion of my brain that switches on when I get under a light in front of an audience. I still have a lot of room for growth with my performances but I’m very confident in my ability to provide an entertaining and heart-felt encounter every time I perform.

Being around a large number of people when there is a stage of separation and a performance attached to the gathering isn’t a bother at all. When there is not a stage involved however…it’s a different story. I’m…uh…not a “party-goer”, and most social outings give me a substantially greater feeling of discomfort than the discomfort I may feel before going on stage. A stage persona is something I sort of slip into more naturally…whereas with a social outing, I feel like I really need to build myself up to the event and get myself in the right frame of mind to be around people. I don’t hyperventilate or anything too extreme like that, but you will very likely find me in the corner of a room full of people, looking inwards, not sure how to navigate conversations with anyone present.

In fact, the small talk and casual banter of a social event often feels more like a performance than being on stage does.

I’ve gotten much better at learning how to remain genuine in those spaces where it feels like I just want to hide, or even worse, adapt to the culture of my surroundings and leave my own social and emotional instincts behind…to the point where now I can usually leave a social outing feeling like I’ve had at least one meaningful conversation. But unless I force myself to engage with the outside world through setting some sort of human engagement quota for myself every week...I’d be in the comfort of my home perpetually.

Quiet vs. Loud AHHHHHHHHHHHH

If I had to genre-define the music I typically make I’d say it falls into the category of indie/folk. (though, admittedly I’m trying to get away from that label for reasons I’ll leave explaining for another time) I enjoy music that I feel soothed by, so I make music that I’d consider to generally be soothing. (or at least attempts to be) Favorite music artists of mine include Jose Gonzalez, Feist, Bon Iver, Damien Rice…and others with a similar tone and sonic artistic vision.

But even outside of music, these themes remain, with hobbies of mine including reading in quiet settings, walks around the neighborhood and in nature away from people, (refer to the first section of this article for other introverted tendencies) writing, and watching shows and movies that encourage thought and attention to details. I can’t be alone in saying this but, I feel like as time goes on, the more and more cluttered my mental space feels. I have trouble not being addicted to my phone and taking in unhealthy quantities of both useful and useless information. (yes, useful information can also come in unhealthy quantities) And because of all of this, I value deeply the need for soft spaces, intimate retreats and low key energies to be around as a means to give myself the clarity to feel grounded in where I’m at, and focused on the plans I have for where I’m going. Those quiet moments I can sneak in throughout my day are an essential part to my healthy existence.

Yet at the same time…I LOVE wrestling. I’ve watched alongside my brother ever since we were kids, I got out of it for several years and then got sucked back in at some point when I was in college. I’m talking loud rock music, violence, people beating up other people, blood feuds, weapons, the drama…I love it!! So much so that my brother and I attended Wrestlemania 40 in Philadelphia in 2024…a show that I won’t even scratch the surface of getting into the historical context of and how INCREDIBLE of a show it was. A two night event, and both of us lost our voices each night. There with 70+ thousand other people, from all over the world, screaming our lungs out at the carnage. One of the highlights of my life…albeit the complete opposite of my everyday energy tendencies.

And on top of that I have artist interests outside of folk music as well, particularly bands such as System of a Down, Rage Against the Machine, RHCP…and while I’m not a sports nerd by any stretch I do enjoy a particularly competitive match of any kind between opposing teams. I’ve never moshed but I’ve been to shows that would grow to require a moshpit, and I used to be in a rock band where I’d stand on top of my amp to shred guitar solos with dense crowds of sweaty young adults.

The Tree vs. The Skyscraper